Focal Points

I am my own worse enemy.

Yep, I'm willing to admit it. I think I'm willing to admit it in an effort to oust myself as just a negative being inside and to give myself a break from all the pressure I add on myself. I constantly attempt to measure myself up to other's and to their expectations and goals.

Why am I 5 years out of college and still not doing what I love?

What IS it that I love?

Is this all there is or should I be fighting harder?

Should it BE this hard?

I'm not sure what some of this questions mean most of the time, let alone what the answers are. I just know that when I question myself and my life path, I stumble and then my inner self critic is there to bring me back down to where I feel like I deserve to be.

If you can't tell, I've got little to no self esteem. It's really bad. I look at myself in the mirror each morning and try to convince myself that this is worth while. This job. This body. These looks. That I'm worth while. But the simple fact that I still need convincing on a daily basis shows that my critic is winning.

I learned today that distraction is key. That i need a focal point to keep my barrings. It's like when a ship is lost at sea and the waves are rocking the boat so hard that they can't see the horizon. The ship looses it's way in the storm because they loose the focal point.

This is my inner struggle on a daily basis.

I am that ship.

But what is my focal point?

I need a hobby.

But I've got hobbies.

What I really NEED is TIME.

My new mission is to try to manage the latter better. I feel like my time goes out the window every single day of the week, to accommodate other people's schedules. I need a way to lasso time and pull it back to me to cup in my hands a secure within my own day, and not someone else's. Perhaps with time, I'll find my focal point and be able to see the horizon again.

Because more often then not...I feel lost at sea.

Choices

Sitting at the corner of Bittersweet,
Waiting for the change I seek.
And as I waited for change to pass by,
I spotted change before change spotted I.
Thus, leaving me with the decision to make,
Follow change with my heart or be left in it's wake.
For change doesn't just wait around.
It's now or never. It's never or NOW.
So I closed my eyes and followed suit,
not really knowing my chosen route
but trusting my heart, each day, as I go.
For change, right now, is all I know...

Peace Lily

My Grandfather and I were really close. I was actually very close to both my grandparents but my grandmother died long before my grandfather did. We called him Grandpa and we were bonded together with love and support that was unmatched in any other aspect of my life. When I knew not many other people would really care about something like I did, I could always call him and he would “ooh” and “ahh” and gush over whatever it was, making me feel like a princess. I called him religiously and depended on him deeply for emotional and mental support.

Grandpa always struggled with health issues and heart problems. And in October 2008, his body simply could not take it anymore. He went in the hospital with heart problems and I stayed with my family and by his side for a good part of 3 weeks in the ICU.

This was by far, the most difficult and trying time of my life…and is still hard to talk about.

As I mentioned before, I was equally as close to my Grandmother, Memommy, but the conditions of her passing were by far different. Her death was sudden and I was very young and sheltered from most of the details until I was older.
But with Grandpa, there was no sheltering. It was all out for my knowledge as I watched his health deteriorate day after day after day. I was blessed to have a boss at the time who was compassionate and sympathetic and who allowed me to stay at the hospital as much as I needed without any ramifications at my job.

So after 2-3 weeks of this, and my world being turned upside down, the day came when I had to say Good-bye …hardest day of my life. Grandpa and I emailed each other frequently and I still have several of his letters in my inbox with a faint hope, from time to time, that he might respond.

At the funeral, my best friend & husband, Tim, did me the great honor of reading one of those emails correspondences for me. Grandpa and I had been talking about cycles of life and how there is a time to bloom and a time to be without.

As we were exiting the funeral, I noticed a large plant in the corner of the vestibule that was addressed to me from Ingram (my work). I have always been blessed with wonderful people to work with who are like my family. And this gesture made my heart melt. It was a huge peace lily with a bow. I was touched.

I took the plant home and have been nurturing it ever since. It’s been at my office, at my mom’s house during my maternity leave, at my house, and back to my office. I call it my “Grandpa plant” and it means a great deal to me. It reminds me of him and makes me smile. I didn’t even know it could bloom until a white thing sprouted from it last year out of nowhere. It only did it once and then died away.
Well, this week it bloomed for the second time. And When I look its single blossom, I feel like it’s my Grandpa giving me encouragement from heaven, even for a brief amount of time. Something subconsciously inside of me feels like if I can keep this plant alive, if I can make it bloom (even just once a year), then the full extent of his absence will never sink in. And I hope it never does.

But as we once discussed in our emails, these are just the cycles of life. There is a time to bloom and a time to be without….to let go.

____________________________________
On July 26, 2005, I sent Grandpa the following short story that I had written.

Grandpa,
I noticed yesterday that all the pink blooms on my plant had withered and died. I keep it in my Walmart pot on the windowsill in my living room as a sign of life. And I watch it go through stages of full beautiful flowers to just green stems as it flows through the phases of its own life.

When in bloom, it’s gorgeous and I can’t help but be proud of the fact that I was able to keep it alive thus far, long enough to see all of its potential beauty. However, these stages never last and it’s not long before time grabs it and withers its flowers and forces it back into the meek green stemmed plant it once was.

I can’t help but feel for the tiny flower and how difficult it must be to overcome such obstacles to bloom. For I , myself have witnessed such phases in my own life and if it is this difficult for me as a person to deal with the phases we must endure, then I can’t help but pity my plants and its struggle.

For life takes us on curves, bumps, swerves and hairpin turns on our road. But then it also guides us through rolling hills, beautiful landscapes, and straight and narrow paths as well. And the only thing that really keeps me going is knowing that, like my little plant blooms and withers only to bloom again, so must I go through stages of blooms and withering times. I find comfort in knowing that God is watching me, caring for me, and waiting for me, never-endingly, for the stages in my life to run their courses, as I do for my little plant.

It is a shame, really, that we all can’t simply stay in bloom year around. However, if we did not go through those withering times, how then are we fully to appreciate the blooming ones? Maybe it is the withering stages of life that give the blooming ones their beauty.

Thus, I turn my eyes towards those that matter most to me, in my life. For I know that as life seems to be withering around me now, it is really only showing me how beautiful it once was and will be again, with time.

Love, Jessica
____________________________________

The importance of this story to me lays not in what I wrote but in Grandpa’s response tome. Here is what he wrote back, in his own words:
____________________________________

Dear Jessica,
Thank you for your sweet letter about the flower in your window. It carried a powerful message and yet a bittersweet reminder of life, out faith and what we are inside.
Last week I heard a crash in the kitchen. Of course, I knew something had fallen and broken. I went to investigate the accident and low and behold, it was the plate we had hanging on the kitchen wall.

We had brought it from Grannie’s probably twenty years ago and it was a gift to me. Miss Josie, Granny’s friend has won it at the county fair probably 50 or 60 years ago. It has been at the kitchen table on the farm for as long as I could remember. It was a platter with three Dutch girls washing clothes; you could not see their faces as they were Little Dutch Girls on the Clabber Girl baking soda cans.
I bent over and picked up the broken pieces and thought maybe I could glue them back together and then we could hang it on the wall again as if nothing had ever happened. Then I noticed the nail, no bigger than a straight pin and I got mad. Someone was to blame and I wanted to let them know. I knew Cathy placed the nail in the wall and it was simply too small but then I realized that Cathy did not do this to me, it just happened.

I tried to glue it back together but the pieces just would never match up again.

I must go on without the plate and understand that it is upstairs, glued together but never again to be perfect. But I still have it and I still love it, imperfect as it is. It was not my fault or Cathy’s fault it broke, that is just the way life is programmed.
Love, Grandpa
____________________________________

This email has given me quite a bit of comfort recently and I am still amazed how much it applies today though it was written 3 years ago. It’s like he is speaking to me now. We can try to glue things back together and act like nothing ever happened, but the pieces will never match up again. We must go without, all the while still having and still loving these imperfect things. Because, as Grandpa said, that is just the way life is programmed, no one is to blame.

Lackluster

Lacklust - Adj.
(comparative more lackluster, superlative most lackluster)
1)Lacking brilliance or intelligence
2)Having no shine or lustre; dull
3)Not exceptional; not worthy of special merit, attention, or interest; having no vitality

*written earlier today*

It's not even 9am and I am already mentally checking out from this place. The fatigue from the lack of sleep last night and the chaotic events of the past 2 days is starting to catch up with me. As I can feel my eye lids starting to burn and my arms feeling the need to constantly stretch. I stare at my computer with an un-invested interest and think “How I am going to fill this void?”.

I break down my days according to breaks and snacks. Watching the clock takes too long. This is probably what has led to my recent weight gain and my lack of success with any diet route. However, even this type of break down is becoming lack luster, as the joy of eating is now being deprived from my day replaced with a creamy chocolate slim fast shake. Mmm…..

8am: The dreaded arrival – Shake #1

10am: Snack time – Whatever I can get my hands on that might remotely qualify as a “Diet Friendly Snack”. Typically, chips.

Somewhere between 11-2: Lunch – Shake #2. This is primarily decided upon how long I can go without feeling the need to want to slit my own wrists from boredom.

3pm: Snack #2 – This is the point of my day where nothing less than sugar will do, to both keep me awake and appearing focused.

I can usually tell when I haven’t taken my medication for the day yet by what all gets on my nerves. Co-workers repeating themselves over and over again on the phone, someone sharpening their pencil, the click/slap of flip flops down my aisle (insanely unprofessional). All are tell tell signs as I quickly find some water to help swallow a little more numbness.

I surround myself with pictures of the baby I could be with and remind myself why I spend my days this way. It use to not always be this way. It use to be fun, sexy, exciting. If anyone could fathom calling this job sexy. To an elite few with still passion in their bones, it is. However, the jadedness found me after all. It arrived one day (some time after maternity leave) in an interoffice envelope. And now the greatest challenge in my day is making sure my plants don’t die under these halogen lights.

On a good day, I GET to talk to customers. On a bad day I HAVE to talk to customers. Big difference. As sexist as it is, I hate calling male customers. I avoid it like the plague. They are the ones who always are the most “maintenance”. The ones that expect $100 worth of service for a $10 account. It’s not that I mind that kind of service. I just want it to be appreciated.

Sometimes I feel like I need to go get one of those Moca Shakes from McDonald’s, simply based on those “Me Time” commercials.


I gravely relate to that guy in the call center who says “My ‘Me time’ is when I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.” Take that guy and mix him with Anne Hathoway in Devil Wears Prada, strip away the make up and fashion and you’ll have a picturesque view of my life.


Although, now that I think about it, I might be more like Scarlett Johanson in The Nanny Diaries (both excellent books by the way if you want to borrow).


I think it might now be time for a bathroom break. You think anyone would miss me if I just didn’t come back? I once cut a foot off my hair during my lunch break and no one noticed when I returned. Another time, I dyed it 2 different colors and no one said anything for a week. I knew I didn’t look THAT bad.

I feel like a rabbit in a hole today. If I stay still long enough everyone will forget I’m even here.

Life is a creative endeavor. It is active, not passive. We are the yeast that leavens our lives into rich, fully baked loaves. When we experience our lives as flat and lackluster, it is our consciousness that is at fault. We hold the inner key that turns our lives from thankless to fruitful. That key is "Blessing." 

~ Julia Cameron 

Finding my self in time....

What is it about Monday’s that put me in such a funk?  I know most people would just say it’s a “case of the Mondays.” But it feels so much more than that.  About one Monday out of the month (on average), I find it extremely difficult to focus.  Everything just seems like an endless cycle, not necessarily vicious but very high maintenance.   I can feel the stress tensing up my shoulders like I’m carrying around a loaded backpack.  Sometimes I think my problem is that I think too much at times or perhaps I have too much to think about.  I love keeping my schedule busy because it distracts my thoughts but then I also miss my down time. 

What is down time anymore?  I love my son the most in this world but watching him alone isn’t down time.  That’s a workout.  Nights out with friends isn’t down time, it’s a work at conversation.  Even breaks at work aren’t downtime but a pitiful effort to decompress my thoughts from the massive work load. 

So if none of these equal a break, what is it that I’m actually missing?  Is it peace and quiet or a piece of myself?  All I know is that something’s lost. 

There are too many thoughts in my head to focus on any one thing.  Not problems or concerns, but mere thoughts.  When I was doing yoga, I possessed the ability to clear my mind from the overload, or at least turn down the volume for a while.  But who has time for that anymore? 

I miss time.  Perhaps this is where my disconnect lays.  There is a new book that I’m selling called Catching Time.  It’s about a little girl whose family is too busy to spend time together.  They are constantly telling her that they don’t have time.  So in the spirit of little minds, the little girl goes out and tries to catch time in a net for her family.  I have related pretty strong to this story. My father did this to me and I’m terrified that I’m going to do it to Owen.  I don’t want to be that parent.

In “Time” is where my self has room to breathe and my lack of it feels suffocating. 

Perhaps I should take up Yoga again, take Owen for walks in the afternoon or simply stop committing to things or allowing myself to be volunteered.  I need to find some way to unplug. To disconnect.  To Breathe.  Because right now the weight of all these commitment s are bringing me down with them and I can hardly catch my breath.  I have a feeling that if I can just find time, then I’ll find my self hiding there too.  

A year in reflection. Murfreesboro's Good Friday Tornados

Today is Good Friday and I can’t help be reflect on the events of last year. I know it’s not technically the exact same day but the holiday itself will be forever etched in my mind, unfortunately. This time last year, two tornados touched down in my home town of Murfreesboro, TN. The first one was estimated by the National Weather Service as an EF-4 which was then followed by a smaller EF-1. There were 42 minor injuries, 7 critical injuries and 2 fatalities. The tornados damaged 794 homes. It destroyed 98 homes, severely damaged 227 and caused minor damage to 156 homes, along with damaging 23 commercial buildings.


This time last year, I was at work and extremely pregnant. Tim was on call and at home with our pets. I decided to take a later lunch as my mom lives nearby and was off work. So I went to her house to relax and put my swollen feet up. The weather was awful and you could just feel something coming in the air. We watched the news as they tracked the storms and as they first were estimated to hit my workplace vicinity and headed towards my home. It wasn’t until I made it back to work that things were starting to get scary. Pictures were starting to roll in of the first tornado touchdown in Murfreesboro and the images were breath taking. Tim, after challenging nature with the camera, had packed up the animals and was in the bathroom as the EF-4 hit the interstate, just a few miles away. Houses were moved, cars were overturned and many homes, including one that I grew up in, were completely leveled.

You can imagine how, in my then emotional state, stressful that day was. They let me go early but my town was on lock down. They had to shut down the interstates going in and out due to the devastation. I waited around the quiet office for about 30 minutes before deciding to brave the traffic and face what the news was making out to be the worse tornado in Middle Tennessee history.

I spent 2 hours in traffic trying to complete what usually is a 25 minute commute. Cars were backed up on the interstate trying to get into town. Police and emergency vehicles were flying by on the shoulder of the road to a destination I had yet to see. Many people simply left their cars on the side and walked into town as many roads were closed and/or impassable.

I only had one bar of battery on my phone and was attempting to make as many calls as it would allow. The news was reporting the path of the tornado as Sulpher Springs Road. This is was were my childhood home stood that my dad was attempting to sell after the divorce. Many of my childhood memories still sat in the garage as my dad is a chronic procrastinator. He lived in Nashville but was desperately trying to do the same as I, assess the damage to our homes. I also could not get a hold of my brother. What seemed like millions of text messages went out and a thousand redials. Everyone eventually became accounted for except for my brother, who works at Red Robin, just down the road from the start of the tornado path. No one was answering at the restaurant and he wasn’t answering his phone. You can imagine the panic I was getting in as I did not know whether the building was even still there or not. Did I still have a brother??

Thank God our house was untouched. Tim put the pets back in their places and went out in search of Nathan. This ended up being easier said than done. The EF-4 tornado that hit that day was on the ground for roughly 15 minutes and left a 23.5-mile path in its wake. There was devastation unlike anything I had ever seen or anyone else in Murfreesboro, for that matter.



I finally had the thought to call Pei Wei, which was across the street from my brother’s work, just to see if the guy could look out the front window and tell me if the building was even still there. That ended up being one of the most memorable moments of my life, thus far. Waiting to hear whether the building I knew my brother was in was even still standing. Thank God it was and my brother was just still huddled in the bathroom with all the other employees and customers. Phone lines were jammed, power was out and getting a hold of friends and family felt near to impossible.

I wish I could say that all of the news I received that day was positive. But the next phone call I received was from my dad telling me that the street I use to live on took the brunt of the hit and that my old home was completely leveled. This is what has hit me the hardest and still does today as I remember all the times we huddled under the staircase during such storms in what was now nothing but a foundation.

Tim spent the bulk of the weekend volunteering to clean up, mostly at my old home. The plus side was that it was on the market and so no one lived there. However, this did not mean that it was empty. Childhood pictures, artwork, stuffed animals and such were strewn all over the neighborhood. I cried when I first heard and my heart stopped when I first saw it for myself. A southern belle doll my mom had made was sitting on the neighbor’s mailbox as a marker of that address. Policemen were blocking off entrances and the neighborhood looked like the EF-4 played a game of hopscotch down our street.

I wish I could say that there were no fatalities that day but unfortunately, I can’t. A mother and a 6 week old baby girl were killed just down the road. But I am grateful for the limited fatalities and injuries. That day could have ended so much worse with so many people off work and school out. It’s amazing to me how, in just a year, we’ve managed to bounce back.

Sure, there are empty fields now where trees once stood and bare lots were once was business. But what scares me the most is the thought of all of those nights we spent under the staircase during similar storms. A staircase that is no longer there.

Click HERE for more pictures of the devastion

Below is what was left of my father's house.

My old neighborhood from above

How healthy is Facebook?

Exactly how healthy is facebook? This has been the question I’ve been pondering lately on many levels. Mainly because I’ve caught myself spending more and more time online instead of with my child, just so I can bake cakes, plant corn and harvest trees. But I feel that this question has also taken on another meaning lately with all the heated political debates.


Tim and I try to be tolerant to everyone. We don’t claim to be perfect, we do screw up, but for the most part, we’d like to consider ourselves pretty opened minded and accepting. Most of the times, we like to sit in the “middle of the road”, so to speak, and watch both sides. But lately, I’ve been saddened with people’s inability, or perhaps unwillingness, to do the same. Which brings me back to my original question, is this really healthy for us?

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE the social interaction, almost to the point of addiction. I get a strange personal high when someone comments on my pictures or “likes” my status. This makes me feel accepted and accomplished, like “Hey, they agreed with me!” or “I made them laugh!” But lately, I’ve seen a much uglier side and this is usually from people I least expected it from. It’s the hurtfulness a negative and/or abrasive comment can bring. Facebook makes it almost feel personal at times. Say you’re having a good day, and you log on just to find a wall full of stasus’ that do nothing but bitch and moan. Even if these comments are directly related to you, wouldn’t that bring you down?

Now, I know life isn’t all puppies, rainbows and butterflies but I am also a firm believer in owning one’s happiness. What good does passing your negativity on to someone else do? Gives you an outlet to vent? Well, yes but rarely to people stop to think about how the person they’re venting to feel.

I guess what I am trying to say is I am deeply saddened at people’s inability to relate to one another. Blame it on Farmville, blame it on chronic status updates, blame it on current events, I am a victim to all this as well, and what has it taught me? I’ve lost several friendships over my “tone” in emails. Some might say I’m better off but what have I gained in return?

Why stay tied to anger? Why push that off on other’s?

I truly feel that when 90% of my friends update their page, they never once, stop to think about what affect that update might have. Case in point, the health care bill. I am personally for it, but quite a few of my friends are not and yet that doesn’t stop them from blowing up facebook with an insane amount of hatred and anger towards it. Whatever happened to civility? Whatever happened to Tolerance? I blame facebook for keeping us so disconnected from one another that we can’t see past our own opinions.

This is the part that saddens me the most. It’s not just a “website”, it’s our voice to the world and all I see is hostility. This just brings me down each and every day and I have regrettably given it the power to do so.

So moving forward, I will be attempting to spend less time online and more time in the real world. And in return, all I ask from you is to keep in mind what Sir Isaac Newton once stated: ''To every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction”. I feel this could apply also to our personal opinions. For every opinion you have about something, 9/10, one of your Facebook “Friends” have an equal and opposite opinion on the same thing. Keep this in mind next time you hit the “Share” button.

Motherhood

I want to give you everything

But everything I can not give

I can just to the very best I can

Just like my mother did

I want to shield you from the world

And protect you from bad things

But I can not do this forever

For life simply involves pain

What I can do is promise you this

I will love you with all I am

I will comfort you as I am able

And will always hold your hand

I will be here to wipe your tears

And hold you when you're sad

I will stand beside you, guide you

With your equally devoted Dad.

I will laugh when you laugh

Smile with every smile you show

And be there simply for you
More then you will ever know.

This is all I have to offer

This is the best I can do

For you need to keep in mind

I am new at this too.

But we'll find our way together

Hand in tiny hand

I will always be right beside you

for you give purpose to who I am.

 

I still haven't found what I'm looking for

One of my all time favorite things is this oversized tin cup that I got for free at a yard sale back in college. It’s baby blue and has two pink Eskimos touching noses. I got it for free because I pulled a typical Jessi move and tried to pay for a $0.25 item with a $20 bill. They ended up just giving it to me.
What’s so special about this cup? I’m not sure if it’s the large size, the design or the material that I love the most. The fact that it’s tin keeps my milk colder than usual. The fact that it’s oversized makes it easier to dip cookies in. Whatever it is, it’s my favorite.

So I was enjoying my cup of milk with some chocolate last night and it got me thinking….

I believe I am my own worst enemy. I pride myself in my constant search to improve myself as a person but when is enough enough? How long is too long to search and when should I take a break? I constantly read far too much into things and consistently second guess myself to the point where it chips away at my confidence and leaves me with a very low self-image. Perhaps it’s not as complicated as we tend to believe?

I have been under a tremendous amount of stress lately, both personal and professional. It’s not that any one thing has gone “wrong”; it’s just a little bit of a circuit overload. I feel like I’ve got a lot of plates in the air and am waiting for one to drop and break because I am nowhere near talented enough to keep this up for much longer.

Without listing all the things I’m feeling pressure/stress from, let’s just say it’s a lot. However, things have been really good for us lately. We just paid of our credit cards; the carpet is almost paid off as well. I’ve been losing weight. Tim finally found his purpose in life and we are working towards that. I have the greatest baby boy anyone could ever ask for and so much more.

So why do I get this overwhelming sense of sadness?

I know a good majority is the fact that we haven’t seen the sun in some time. I greatly miss my garden and evenings on my patio. But it feels like something else too. I made all these New Year’s resolutions in my constant attempt to grow as a person but that more I develop, the longer these go, the more I don’t feel any closer to whatever it is that I’m looking for, whatever that might be.

So as I was enjoying my oversized tin cup, I was thinking. What if I stopped searching and start enjoying the small things? Focus on the things around me now instead of towards the horizon, in search of something that I might possibly never find?

What is it exactly that I’m searching for? When will I stop searching? In a nutshell, when will I stop and allow myself to enjoy who I am now instead of telling myself that who I am now is not good enough? (This ties into the confidence and self image comments I mentioned earlier)

Will I ever be OK with the person I am now? When will I allow myself to feel good enough?

This is where I really feel the sad feelings coming from. Like there are little school yard bullies in my head, nagging at me, making fun of me and telling me I will never be the person everyone expects from me.

When really, I need to allow myself time to stop and adjust to the simplicity of things like the joy found in this tin cup. Why can’t this just be it? This right now, why can’t I just be happy with that?

So my new endeavor of self discovery is to stop with the self discoveries. No more reading too much into things. This has obvious done quite a bit of damage to me mentally and emotionally.

A good example of this was my birthday this past week. Tim gave me the best thing he could give me, a day with my boys. No one else, no expectations, no obligations, no stress.

This is the way things should be…Just life filled with joy, like that found in something as small, plain and simple as an oversized tin cup from a yard sale.

Top 10 reasons I’m grateful for today

1) I still have a job

2) Owen and I are meeting up with Braxton and Lauren tonight at church

3) I have a wonderful husband who loves me

4) I got 2 book orders yesterday and so I get to spend today just catching up

5) I finally have money in savings again

6) I’ve got one of my favorite lean cuisines waiting for me in the fridge

7) Dinner tonight is Lasagna

8) I’m wearing my “sexy” heels

9) I just got my free Freezer Bag from Sam’s. Free is always good.

10) I’m wearing my size 8 pants a friend gave me in high school.

Little known facts about me.

Why? Because I'm on break at work and bored out of my mind. 

1) I have 2 back tattoos.  One on my lower back that is a celtic trinity sign that somewhat matches Tim's and one on my upper back that says "Love Extravagantly from this day forward."  I plan on getting a third one next year of Owen's foot prints on my hip. 

2) I've met Barbara Walters

3) I'm insanely scared of needles.  I know, weird due to #1, right?  I've gotten a little better since I've had Owen but they use to have to sadate me before drawing blood. 

4) I've had 2 short stories and a poem published in The Tennessean, Daily News Journal and a books of young local writers.

5) Tim and I were finalists to be on The Simple Life.  They came to a bridal fair at MTSU when we were engaged and we signed up.  They did a video interview and we made it to the final 5. We just weren't redneck enough for Paris and Nicole. 

6) I've been playing piano since I was 5.  Haven't played a whole lot lately but my Grandmother was a piano teacher and I've got her piano in my living room.

7) I was born in Memphis but grew up in a small town in Alabama called Montevallo.  My best friend from Kindergarten (Jennifer Ingram) is still one of my best friends today and is Owen's Godmother.

8) I also have a huge fear of spiders and heights.  I am almost paralized when I'm high up and I am constantly scared that spiders are going to crawl on me in my sleep.  (Please do not comment on this last part, it will only make it worse).

9) I grew up a preacher's kid but NO, I tend to thing I didn't act like the typical preacher's kid.  My brother, Nathan, went that route for me.

10) Tim and I are high school sweethearts.  We met Sr. Year when I broke him and his girlfriend up and then snatched him for myself.  We'll be together 10 years this Sept.

11) I also love crafts and love to draw.  My grandfather and uncle were cartoonists but I only really know how to doodle. 

12) I also LOVE photography but am still learning the ins and outs of my camera.

13) I am a middle of the road, liberal, Christian with some conservative views who hates to talk about religion or politics.  I believe debates only lead to trouble and frustrations and stay out of them as much as possible. 

14) I helped  work and manage a Christian bookstore in Murfreesboro for a little over 5 years before I became an assistant publicist in Nashville for a short time and ultimately moved to Ingram Book Company as a sales rep. where I have been for the past 3 years.

15) I am an extremely sensitive person and, believe it or not, am shy when you first meet me.  New things give me anxiety but once I get the hang of things, I'm fine.  I just tend to dwell on stuff I have no control over and really find it difficult to let things go.

16) I went to MTSU and graduated in 2006 with a major in Public Relations and a minor in Marketing and English with a focus on Children's literature.  My dream job would be to run a children's bookstore or to work just with Children's books.

17) I am obsessed with reality shows and Dog the Bounty Hunter in particular.  I've got an autographed poster of him in my cube at work and also have an autographed copy of his biography at home. 

18) I've been on stage during a taping at the Grand Ole Opry.  They have seats for VIPs on stage and one of my company's clients were performing that night when I was a publicist.

19) I once asked Gregg Allman what company he was with when he called in to work once.  Probably one of my stupidist mistakes in life.

20) I interned as Warner Brothers Records in Nashville for the president and also for the head of publicity.  One of the most stressful yet exciting times in my life.  If you've ever seen the movie Devil Wears Prada, that was EXACTLY my life.  They offered me a job afterwards but I said no as I didn't think it was a fit for me at the time.  This is about the time I realized I was chasing the "popular" dream instead of my own.


That's about all I have.  My brain hurts from just coming up with that much.  I figured it had to be a decent number of points as it would look pretty pitiful if I just had 5.  That and my break is over, so I need to get back to work.  Thanks for reading!

Bringing sexy back, how I lost my weight.

So, I've had a lot of people asking me how I lost my 10lbs.  I thought I would take some time to type out my tips and tricks in my blog.  Why? Well, they sent Tim into work, BooBoo is content rolling around on the floor and there is nothing on TV.  So, Why Not?

My confidence has been really down for a while.  I had Owen in July (6 months of go for those of you who are too lazy to do the math).  Right before I got pregnant, I had just worked what seemed like forever to get my weight down to the smallest it's ever been.  I was content with where I was and as Murphy's Law would have it, I got pregnant.  I went from 145 to 175.  A lot of this was the pregnancy and when Owen was born, I was down to 165.  Breastfeeding really helped to get some more of the weight off as well. But once I stopped that and got back into my regular routine again (Work, church, etc.), I was still stuck with a weight of about 157.  It wasn't until I saw some of the pictures from Thanksgiving of last year that I realized I needed to get back on the wagon. One of my New Year's resolutions was to loose at least 10 lbs.  I set a realistic goal weight of 146.  This was what I was before I was pregnant and I told myself I wasn't going to kill myself to get to work towards an unrealistic number.  I just by happy to get down to where I was.  My long term goal is at least another 10 but if that doesn't happen, I'll be happy. 

When I slimmed down before the pregnancy, I used a lot of the tips that I learned from Curves.  I loved them so much but they didn't really fit into our monthly budget.  When I was a regular member, I lost 30lbs and took a nutrition class.  This has been the biggest help.  (Thanks Mom).  It helped me learn how to count calories and change eating habits. 

One of the main things I also did was cut out all fast foods, eating out, sodas, fried foods and most sweets.  This has been the most difficult thing.  Then I tried to apply the techniques I learned at Curves which teach you to start out with 1800 calories a day.  Then when you feel like you hit your "wall" or stop losing weight, cut out 200 calories and aim for 1600 until you hit the wall again.  Do not go below 1200 though.  Most people will probably tell you this is too low but my body has gotten to the point where it wont loose weight otherwise.  But also don't starve yourself.  Just make your calories count. I also take 2 green tea pills and a multi-vitamin with breakfast.  The Dr. suggest Prenatal as they have the more nutrients and I've included a picture of the green tea pills I use below.  I would only suggest this particular brand.  I haven't had much success with any other brand.   Here is my daily diet:

• Breakfast:  

• 2 pieces of wheat toast with a little bit of low fat butter and a juice glass of skim milk

                    OR

• 1 packet of oatmeal and a juice glass of skim milk

• Lunch:

• Lean Cuisine of choice

                   OR

• Turkey sandwich on wheat bread with mustard, 2-3 pickle spears and a baked potato with substitute butter sprinkles and/or a side salad with low cal dressing

• Dinner:

• 2 tilapia fillets, baked potato and/or salad

                    OR

• 4-6oz. baked chicken breast with baked potato and/or salad

• If you feel like you need a snack:

• Take a banana and/strawberries and drizzle chocolate sauce over the top of it.  Great to kill those sweet cravings. 

Because I gave up sodas, I only drink Skim Milk, Light Cranberry juice and Water.  In order for the green tea pills to work the best, you need to make sure you have plenty of fluids.

Also, one of my favorite recipes are my mini pizzas.

• Take 2 wheat buns and lay face open on baking sheet
• Spread some plain tomato sauce on top of each
• Add some Italian seasoning or oregano
• Sprinkle fat free cheese on top of each
• add 4 turkey pepperoni to each
• Bake until toast and/or cheese melts

This is one of my favorite quick and easy recipe and is less then 400 calories.  

Following this diet every day got a little repetitive but that just means you need to get creative.  I dropped from 157 to 146 in 5 weeks.  Basically, a size 14 to a size 10.  So, it's not impossible. 

Ok, that's all I have for now and Owen is starting to get fussy, so I should probably wrap this up.  Let me know if you have any other questions.  I'll be happy to share some more of my recipes if need be. Good luck everyone!!

 

My before and after shots.  The first one was the "eye-opener" for my this past Thanksgiving.

 

The Green Tea pills I use & don't forget your vitamins.  These are the brands I use.

At least it's only temporary...

So yesterday was full of a lot of firsts for Owen. It was his first day at the new baby sitter and also his first day full time. His regular babysitter, Lori, is 9 month pregnant and is due at the end of the month. So, she is taking a sort of “maternity leave” of sorts until the end of March. This puts Owen with a temporary babysitter for 8 weeks until Lori is back up and running. We called the babysitter that use to watch Tim’s little brother, Nick, and she agreed to take him on. No one is as good as Lori but Catherine is close and within our price range.


When I came back to work, the constant question was “How are you holding up with Owen in daycare?” I felt strange because it didn’t really bother me. Tim works second shift and had him until 1:00 and Lori only had to keep him from 1-5:30. But now that Tim is back in school and Owen is spending the entire day with someone else, I can finally understand the question. It’s very hard. It’s like it’s hitting me as a delayed response. I know this is a typical set up for most families and I was lucky to have such a good transition period but yesterday was still very difficult.

Maybe I’m just spoiled on Lori. She treats Owen like her own child and I can tell they have a bond. When I go to pick h im up, she answers the door with him and he always seems like he’s in a good mood. I’m not saying Catherine is a bad sitter, I just don’t think Owen clicks with her. Does that make since? When I picked him up from her house yesterday, he seemed very lathargic. Where Lori usually has him greet me at the door, Catherine already had him buckled in his car seat like she couldn’t wait to get him out of there. I’m sure that’s not the case but it just re-enforces my theory that they don’t connect.

I realize how “new age” I sound. But where some mothers judge situations by seeing that the practical needs are taken care of, I judge them by emotional needs. Not to say that I would leave him in a bad environment, we are just very in tune to one another. I can just feel what he wants.

I know it was only the first day and she does have a nice set up. They turned their garage into a bonus room and had little cubbies for all of the kids along with videos and tons of toys. Tim is going to take Owen’s pack and play over there tomorrow as we realized she never gave him any “floor time” yesterday due to their little yappy rat dog. That made me feel a lot better.

I’ll give her some more time. Perhaps things will improve with him and for me. I can just tell that we both already really miss Lori.

Vacancy

I just couldn't concentrate today. No matter what I did, the hands on the clock seemed to be in the exact same place for hours. I sat at my desk and wondered, what I could do to pass the time? I'm off work Thursday and Friday, so I don't really have any large projects on my plate. I have a report that's due at the end of the week but could not find the thoughts or words to finish it, today at least. It seemed as though I stared at it for a good part of the day and I am no closer to finishing it as I was this morning, or Yesterday for that matter. Don't get me wrong, it'll get finished. Today just wasn't my day.


I kind of felt like an episode of The Office where Jim and Pam are on the phone with each other and they are leaving voicemails at the same time talking about how today was just an "off" day. That pretty much sums up my current mood. Something about today was just off and it was exhausting trying to constantly keep my focus on one task at a time. The weirdest part of it? I don't really have a whole lot on my mind to begin with. Sure, I have a lot of things going on right now but it's not like my mind was straying to any particular situation, it just was vacant.

At the risk of sounding like an airheaded blonde, not only could I not concentrate today, I couldn't THINK. I would chalk this up to my recent fatigue, but I'm just not sure. I tried everything and nothing worked. I got up and walked around, I ate lunch somewhat early, I drank more water and even got into my chocolate stash because I read somewhere that that helped with concentration. But what helps if something is just "off"?

I can't put my finger on it, which is somewhat concerning. I know this week is when Tim goes back to school. Owen got his 6 month shots today (which means he wont be feeling well for the rest of the week) and will be switching babysitters starting Monday. I had a project I worked really hard on canned and the bank sent my house payment TWICE, sending our bank account into severe overdraft. Interesting enough, my mind hasn't been on any of these things, it's almost like it checked out.

I feel somewhat withdrawn, which can probably be contributed to stress or anxiety. Luckily, I'm going to see the Dr. on Thursday to get tested for anemia. So, at least I have something already lined up. I just don't feel myself today and it concerns me. As you can probably tell from this rambling blog, I don't really have a point. Just that I needed to get all this out.

The "No Spending" Rules….and other resolutions.

So, a lot of people have been asking me what the “rules” are for our year without spending mission. People see us spending on one thing but not another. Luckily, once I found the original article and re-read it, I was able to get a better perspective as to how to execute this daunting task. We basically have taken the original author’s guidelines and tweaked them to fit our lifestyle. This has really helped, being that it feels a lot more structured and achievable now. So here are the Duncan “No Spending” Rules:

RULE 1: Tim and I won't be purchasing anything for one year. No clothing, shoes, CDs, DVDs, Etc. This also includes eating out and going to the movies. Charity giving is Ok.

RULE 2: Owen is somewhat except. He will get the clothes and stuff that he needs and the occasional learning toy but we just won’t be picking something new up every time we go out. There is only so much you can do when you have a baby.

RULE 3: All gifts will be in the form of books, gift cards, or homemade items.

RULE 4: Broken items will not be replaced unless absolutely necessary.

RULE 5: Any form of family entertainment is allowed. Basically, stuff that allows us to spend quality time together (the zoo, putt putt, etc.)

RULE 6: Previous commitments will be honored as we also don’t want to go back on our words.

RULE 7: Being that Owen is so young, family portraits and/or Owen pictures are allowed. He is only this age once. Purchases will just be limited.

I think the hardest part of this will be the not eating out. I just have to keep telling myself that this is a win/win situation being that I am also trying to lose weight, which brings me to my next topic.

While we are talking about New Year’s Resolutions, I thought I would throw the other ones I made, out there as well.

I have always wanted to read through the entire Bible in a year. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve read quite a bit but not all together and most definitely not the entire Bible. I just feel that it will add a lot more depth to my faith if I can finally achieve this goal in a year. I’ve tried several times but always fallen short.

My last resolution is to lose at least 10 lbs. This is less about public image and more about needing to fit into the clothes I have already. ;o) I am tired of trying to cram my post-baby belly into jeans that are probably about 1 size too small. This would have several benefits as it would go hand in hand with our no spending challenge and will increase my confidence. I guess you could call this one the “bringing sexy back” resolution. My realistic goal is 10lbs but I would like to ultimately lose 20. I just figure I will work hard to meet the first goal and if I’m doing well, I’ll keep going to attempt to meet the second. That, and, this way, technically I’m not “breaking” my resolution if I don’t meet the 20lb mark.

Ok, there it is. Probably the most challenging life plan I’ve ever taken on, laid out before you. I would like to take the time to stress, once again, that this all is not about the money. We are doing just fine as is. It’s just about hitting the reset button on our priorities in an effort to be the best parents we can for Owen.

Last weekend we didn’t make any plans (other then Church). We spent 2 days, being lazy around the house, watching movies and just enjoying each other. And you know what? It was the most relaxing and enjoyable weekend I’ve had in a long time.

Click here to read the original article that inspired us.

And So it Begins....

2010 marks the beginning of our “Year without Spending”. For those of you who missed my previous blog, Tim and I decided to challenge ourselves to go one year without spending. As I mentioned before, this sounds a whole lot worse then it really is. Of course we are going to still by necessities but we are going to completely cut out anything we consider “non-essential” for one year. We do have a couple of commitments that we have outstanding and those we are still going forward with. For instance, we feel that being that Owen will only be this age once, it is important to document that with as many pictures as possible. So, we are going to keep our JCPenny appointment as we can get good deals through them. But perhaps, in the Spring/Summer, I will attempt to do my own photo shoots with him outside.


We know how challenging this is going to be and know already that we will probably slip. But we are still going to attempt it none the less in an effort to restructure our priorities. I was really turned off this passed holiday season with all of the greed and materialism that was going around and found it really difficult to get into the Christmas spirit because of it. But I can’t point fingers without looking, first, at myself. Tim and I buy A LOT of DVD’s, CD’s, etc. I love to shop and tend to shop (especially online), just because I’m bored. But how much of this stuff do we really NEED?

Things are finally looking up for us with Tim going back to school. It’ll be rough for the years he’s in school but we feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel now. This has left us at a crossroads where we feel like we should be evaluating where we want to go from here. And where we want to go is towards a family that is less focused on material things and more focused on relationships and quality time.

Thus, we would like to ask our friends and family to not buy us anything for our Birthday’s this year. We will be making all of our presents this year and those always mean the most to us anyway. So, being that all of our presents will be homemade, we don’t want everyone else to spend a lot on us in return. I know this might come across as cheap but that is far from the point we are trying to make. We are simply trying to adjust the value in our life. A card with a heart felt note or a handmade gift can be just as valuable as anything store bought.

As of right now, we are attempting this for just one year. If we feel like we are successful in establishing our goals, we might continue further. However, that is difficult to judge as of yet being that we have only just begun.

And so it begins. May the coming year bring all that we hope and more…

Click here to read the article that inspired our journey.

Materialism killed the Christmas star

This year's holiday season has been different for me then in previous years. Usually, I am more then anxious to get the tree up, decorate the house and listen to Christmas music for a solid month. But this year I've had very little motivation. I can't quite put my finger on it but if it weren't for it being Owen's first Christmas, I might not have decorated at all. Is it possible to get Christmas fatigue before the season even begins? If so, I find that deeply disheartening.

The only conclusion that I could come up with was the massive amounts of blatant materialism that is assualting me at every outlet. Amanda, Carl and I were talking about one particular jewelry commercial where they out and out say "I Love you, the more you buy the more you say it". And don't even get me started on all the Target Commercials. Especially the one where the mother wakes her small children up at 12:01 a.m. so they can open their presents and start playing with them because she got "such a good deal". I find those specifically tacky. If you didn't need it to begin with then it's not a good deal even if it is on sale. But that's a side issue. This year, for me, materialism killed Christmas.


I recently read an article in a magazine about a family who challenged themselves to stop buying things for one year. At first, I thought they were crazy, so I just HAD to read the article.

It began with just trying to adjust their budget to stay afloat during the recession but turned into an overall lifestyle change. The more I read the more doable it seemed. Of course they still bought food and necessities. But they stopped buying things they didn’t need and started trying to make do with what they had. They stopped turning to shopping as a form of entertainment or a source of Happiness. When something broke, they didn’t run out a buy a new one, they simply made do without or used the resources they had to fix it. Instead of going to the movies, they stayed in and watched one they already had. Instead of going out to eat, they made dinner….Together. It became so much more then money and budgeting and became more of a bonding experience that brought their whole family together. It also made their kids appreciate things so much more when they received new clothes or shoes. They didn’t HAVE to live this way, it was a CHOICE.

That article got me to thinking. How much money is going out the door that we don’t really realize? How many DVD’s are still sitting on our shelf without ever even being opened? As society becomes more and more obsessed with the latest trends and become more and more disconnected from each other, I find myself being more and more turned off by the whole thing. Now, I love to shop, don't get me wrong. But I usually don't NEED to shop. The time I spend shopping could be used to play with my son, read one of the millions of books already on my shelf or perhaps finish my wedding scrapbook....finally. It's come to the point where some nights I just turn off my cell phone, computer and TV and just spend time by myself or with Owen. And you know what? These nights are the most relaxing and fulfilling.

So, Tim and I talked about all of this, the "things", money and lack of overall Christmas spirit and we decided to attempt to stop spending as well. Now, this sounds a lot worse then it really is. Of course we aren't going to not buy food, needed clothes, etc. We are just going to stop buying things we don't need (no matter how much we WANT them) for one year. We aren't perfect and I already know several things that might appear frivaless that we've already committed too. But once we've wrapped up our committments, we are done (or at least are going to try to be).

For example, we will not be going out for my Birthday in Feb. Instead, Tim is requesting off that day and we are going to be spending a quiet night in. And you know what? I am most excited about that then anything else. We've even already agreed to make our presents for each other for the next year. We aren't doing this for lack of money but by choice as an attempt to change the way we live and to lay a better ground work for teaching our son that it's not all about material things. How can we possibly instill these values in our son if we don't lead by example?

I am not telling you all this because I want to make you feel bad about your decisions or to come across as "preaching" about society as whole. I am simply telling you this as an attempt to share our new endeavor with you and to explain where we are coming from with it. But we also need your help by simply being supportive and understanding. I know not everyone will "get" what we are trying to do. I know that. And I know some people will think we are just being cheap when we decline invitations to go out. But this is a commitment we are ready to do and would appreciate your support in doing so.

And hopefully, by this time next year, I would have recovered my "Christmas Spirit".

Back in the Saddle

So, I started back to work this week.  It was definitely nerve racking but ultimately not as bad as I anticipated. 

While I was gone, the whole department moved to a different area of the building.  I felt bad because I had to leave before packing up my cube, so my co-workers had to do it for me.  It's that kind of stuff that really makes me appreciate the fact that I have such a great job.  However, this meant that upon my return, I was faced with not only a new cube must a massive amount of boxes to unpack. 

It felt overwhelming at first but I was grateful to have something to keep me so busy the first couple of days.  In addition, they threw me a "Welcome Back/Meet Owen" shower on my first day.  This really helped as Tim as able to bring Owen up to work and we also got to have lunch together. Why a baby shower 4 months after the fact?  Well, for those of you who don't know, I was put on bed rest very sudden and unexpectedly FIVE weeks before the due date.  So, the shower they were planning for before I left didn't happen and they were awesome enough to just do one for when I came back instead. 

They had a great Where the Wild Things Are cake, muffins, donuts, fruit.  All sorts of stuff.  And they had WTWTA posters on the walls.  I actually got to bring one home to put up in Owen's room.  I have tons of pictures to come as soon as I find the motivation to pull myself off the couch and find my camera.  Also, they had printed off "Welcome Back" signs and posted them all of my new work space.  It really made me feel at home again. 

So, I dove into unpacking and setting up shop again in my new (massive) cubical.  I surrounded myself pictures to ease the sting of separation and that worked for the first couple of days as long as I stayed busy.  However, yesterday was a little more difficult.  I had unpacked all my boxes and was left with desk work which left me more time to think.  Luckily, my boss is awesome too and sent me home early yesterday to go spend time with Owen.

I know this is going to take time to get use to and so far it hasn't been too bad.  I've managed.  I just know that it'll all get better with time. 

 

My new cube before I unpacked.

My new cube after I unpacked.

The Day the Music Died

So the biggest tragedy ever occurred the other day, the batteries in Owen's swing died!! This left me with a predicament. Was I to try to spend the rest of the day trying to convince him to that the vibrating chair was just as good?  Or do I venture out (alone) to Walmart to get new batteries?

For those of you who know me well, I have a slight phobia of going places alone.  I'm not really sure why this is, it just makes me feel really alone and vulnerable.  With Owen with me, those feelings multiply.  But I knew that he was WAY to smart to take the vibrating chair as a equal substitute.  So, I packed him up and we ran to Walmart.   This was a huge step for me as I rarely leave the house alone with him unless to go to someone's house.  But this should also show the level of desperation I had for those batteries. 

Which brings me to whole other thought...What did people do before vibrating chairs and swings?  I feel like all I do is move him from one strap in, electronic contraption to another.  I feel bad but then the other alternative is holding him all day and I know that's not good either.  It seems like our days are broken down into the amount of attention he'll give to each one.  We have the swing, the vibrating chair, the high chair and the smooth motions glider.  All with their very own seat belt.  These are my salvation during the day and I don't know what I would do without them.  I can't imagine if I had to strap him to my hip and work in the fields. 

I know that this is just par for the course these days but I can't help but think about the panic I felt "the day the music died".  Am I really that clueless as to what to do with him if he's not being entertained by some device?  No wonder people have such short attention spans these days, we are constantly being stimulated from birth.  I'm sure it'll get better with time though. But for now, I've got to run.  The fishies stopped spinning on his swing and I need to hit the reset button.  ;o)

A look can change everything

You know when you're flipping a light switch and sometimes it gets stuck half way?  I'm not sure if this happens in all houses but it does in mine.  So, for the sake of this metaphor, I'm going to assume that it is normal.  Anyway, sometimes when I go into a room in our house, the light switch will get stuck in a little groove between on and off.  You know that the tiniest little thing can make it flip back off or on.  You know the electricity is sitting there, waiting to be put to work but it can't just yet, thanks to this tiny little groove that the light switch has found.  And so the switch stays there, half way up and half way down, until something moves it one way or the other.

I was that light switch.

Since Owen was born, I have been stuck in the "in between", unable to move up or down.  My previous blog helped me tremendously in getting a lot of the bad feelings I have out and letting them go.  However, it wasn't until last night that I felt the electricity that was waiting to be used.  It took something as simple as a look to change my perspective. 

Up til now, Owen has been very unaware of his surroundings.  He is 7 weeks old now but has just recently been opening his eyes and taking in the things around him.  This has been part of my problem so far, in that, I didn't feel like he had ever really looked at me or could tell me apart from any other woman.  But yesterday, I was giving him a bottle and he stared at me.  I mean really stared.  He wasn't just focused on some random spot on the wall (like when he gets ready to poop) or gazing aimlessly up at the ceiling, he was looking at ME.  The entire time he was drinking his bottle, he stared up at me, eyes wide open, as in to tell me that I was wrong, he DID know and LOVE me apart from any other person.  It made me feeling like there was nothing else in the world, in that moment, then me and him.  I am doing my best to describe it, but it was simply indescribable.  It's like his one look moved me up and sparked something in side of me that was just waiting to be used. 

I know that it's better to be safe then sorry.  So I went to the Dr. today and talked with him about the obstacles I've been facing as a mother.  He put me on medicine for depression for me to take for at least 6 months.  I'm glad I feel like there is a net underneath me now, but it does make me concerned about my weight again.  The last time I was on anti-depressants, it slowed down my metabolism and I became the biggest I had ever been.  But at least I feel like I have a little more control over this hurdle.  It is just going to take some dedication and work to keep that from happening again.  However, if that is my biggest concern now, then I feel like I've moved forward a bit and am in a better place then where I was.

Funny how one look can change everything...

Baby Blues

I mainly created this blog as a sort of therapy.  As many of you know, I recently had a baby boy.  My first to be exact.  The entire time I was pregnant, I just knew that I would enjoy my maternity leave.  This has not entirely been the case.  I guess I am more of a corporate girl then a stay home mom.  However, I don't want to go back to work just yet because I know that this is precious time I'm spending with my baby and I'll never get this time back.  Work will always be there.  But I'm finding it increasingly difficult.

My days are spent mostly on the couch, which some might find ideal, but not to me.  I'm scared to go out in public with Owen because I feel like it is walking around with a ticking time bomb in my hands and I'm on borrowed time.  Now, don't get me wrong, he's a wonderful baby with little to no real problems.  The problem is with me.  I'm insecure as a mom and feel I lack the confidence and the know how to handle him in public.  I'm terrified that he will randomly start screaming and I'll suddenly be "That Woman" with the screaming baby.  Now, I know that this is inevitable.  But his screaming puts me in sort of a panic mode and I feel like I'm walking a tight rope without a net.  I guess you could say motherhood, so far, can be summed up, to me, in one word...fear.  Maybe this was instilled upon me through the many baby books I read or my lack of experience with even changing a diaper, which I had never done before.  But no matter what the source was, it is predominately there, loud and clear, screaming at me every time Owen gets fussy or upset. 

Which leads me to a whole separate issue. 

I only really feel bonded with him about half the time.  The other time I just feel like he is just a baby that I'm having to look after.  The only thing that has really made me feel bonded with him was breastfeeding.  But being that that was soo difficult, I now mainly give him formula and he gets about 1-2 bottles of breast milk a day.  I really want to stop all together but I feel like that is the only thing that bonds me to him.  I feel like if I stop that, then I am no different then any other person.  There is nothing special about  me and I definitely don't feel like a mother.  He doesn't need me any more. 

I guess you could chalk this up to that fact that I carried him around and he was attached to me and now we are separate and on our own again.  Where I have been wanting my body back for some time, I'm not equipped emotionally or mentally to sever that tie just yet.  Then I am no better then a "Nanny".  He wont know the difference.  I am hoping that this will get better when he can recognize me and starts talking but I'm terrified that it wont.  This is definitely not the storybook mother-child relationship that you read about in the books.  Now, granted, this is not all the time but it is enough to make me depressed when I start to feel this way.  It's the lack of bonded feeling that also makes me loose my patience with him when he starts to cry.  I find myself wanting to scream back at him or just walk away. I know this is a HORRIBLE way to be and I feel twice as guilty for feeling this way.  But like I mentioned before, these feelings aren't ALL the time.  I do find myself having patience with him a good portion of the time.  But even during those times, I feel the guilt from when I loose my patience.

This whole thing is just a lot more difficult then I expected and I feel like my life is wasting away on this couch, waiting for him to go to sleep, or to wake up or to eat. I smell like formula, spit up and dirty diapers so much that I feel like I have completely lost who I am or have forgotten.  I can't wait for Tim to come home at nights to take Owen off my hands. Or for someone to come over to relieve me.  Then there is added guilt about this to the point where I am finding myself unhappy and slightly depressed for being a "bad mom". 

I feel a lot better for being able to get this all off my chest but it brings on a new set of worries as I read back on what I have written.  Is there something wrong with me or is this just the "baby blues"?