Baby Blues
I mainly created this blog as a sort of therapy. As many of you know, I recently had a baby boy. My first to be exact. The entire time I was pregnant, I just knew that I would enjoy my maternity leave. This has not entirely been the case. I guess I am more of a corporate girl then a stay home mom. However, I don't want to go back to work just yet because I know that this is precious time I'm spending with my baby and I'll never get this time back. Work will always be there. But I'm finding it increasingly difficult.
My days are spent mostly on the couch, which some might find ideal, but not to me. I'm scared to go out in public with Owen because I feel like it is walking around with a ticking time bomb in my hands and I'm on borrowed time. Now, don't get me wrong, he's a wonderful baby with little to no real problems. The problem is with me. I'm insecure as a mom and feel I lack the confidence and the know how to handle him in public. I'm terrified that he will randomly start screaming and I'll suddenly be "That Woman" with the screaming baby. Now, I know that this is inevitable. But his screaming puts me in sort of a panic mode and I feel like I'm walking a tight rope without a net. I guess you could say motherhood, so far, can be summed up, to me, in one word...fear. Maybe this was instilled upon me through the many baby books I read or my lack of experience with even changing a diaper, which I had never done before. But no matter what the source was, it is predominately there, loud and clear, screaming at me every time Owen gets fussy or upset.
Which leads me to a whole separate issue.
I only really feel bonded with him about half the time. The other time I just feel like he is just a baby that I'm having to look after. The only thing that has really made me feel bonded with him was breastfeeding. But being that that was soo difficult, I now mainly give him formula and he gets about 1-2 bottles of breast milk a day. I really want to stop all together but I feel like that is the only thing that bonds me to him. I feel like if I stop that, then I am no different then any other person. There is nothing special about me and I definitely don't feel like a mother. He doesn't need me any more.
I guess you could chalk this up to that fact that I carried him around and he was attached to me and now we are separate and on our own again. Where I have been wanting my body back for some time, I'm not equipped emotionally or mentally to sever that tie just yet. Then I am no better then a "Nanny". He wont know the difference. I am hoping that this will get better when he can recognize me and starts talking but I'm terrified that it wont. This is definitely not the storybook mother-child relationship that you read about in the books. Now, granted, this is not all the time but it is enough to make me depressed when I start to feel this way. It's the lack of bonded feeling that also makes me loose my patience with him when he starts to cry. I find myself wanting to scream back at him or just walk away. I know this is a HORRIBLE way to be and I feel twice as guilty for feeling this way. But like I mentioned before, these feelings aren't ALL the time. I do find myself having patience with him a good portion of the time. But even during those times, I feel the guilt from when I loose my patience.
This whole thing is just a lot more difficult then I expected and I feel like my life is wasting away on this couch, waiting for him to go to sleep, or to wake up or to eat. I smell like formula, spit up and dirty diapers so much that I feel like I have completely lost who I am or have forgotten. I can't wait for Tim to come home at nights to take Owen off my hands. Or for someone to come over to relieve me. Then there is added guilt about this to the point where I am finding myself unhappy and slightly depressed for being a "bad mom".
I feel a lot better for being able to get this all off my chest but it brings on a new set of worries as I read back on what I have written. Is there something wrong with me or is this just the "baby blues"?
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3 comments:
Sweetheart, you are NOT alone!!!!! I always thought I was such a patient person, until I had my kids! Sometimes, in the middle of yelling at my kids I think "why the hell and I yelling at them, I need to stop” but it is just a knee jerk reaction and I can't stop myself! Most days I hate myself for reacting to things the way I do. I try all the time to come up with ways to just let things go.
As for feeling bonded with you child, it is there, you just don't know it
yet. I was expecting this wonderful feeling of emotion to run through me the second both of my kids were born. Everyone always says "you can never explain how much you love your children and you will never love anything as much as you love them" Don't get me wrong, I totally agree, but it wasn't this "oh my goodness, I feel it, I know what they are talking about". I think it's indescribable because it just happens, it's just there. No wave of emotions, you just wake up and there it is.
Don’t feel that you have to breastfeed to be a good mom. At least you tried. I didn’t even do that with either of my children. If you enjoy it, keep doing it. Owen needs you and he loves you! When he squeezes his whole hand around one of your fingers, you’ll feel it! You are a wonderful mom! I can tell by all the pictures and comments you write about him!
It does get easier the older they get and can interact with you. Just wait until he smiles when you walk into the room. Pretty soon you will see the special bond that little boys have with their mommy. They love their mommy sooo much!
Love you and call anytime you feel like screaming into to phone!
I just want to give you major kudos for such a well written piece that expresses such emotions that most new moms would hide. Or at least I would feel compelled to if I were in the same shoes. Hell, I have my own feelings that make me feel like a horrible stepmom. However, I ... Read Moredon't think those feelings make you a horrible mother at all, I think it's only human. I think it's a part of the new-ness. It's a change of pace that will take time to adjust to for the both of you. It will get better. You are doing great. As far as the work issue is concerned- I think most working moms look forward to going to back to adult interaction, as much as they hate leaving their precious little one behind in some one else's care. Trust me, even though you feel there is no emotional connection- you are way more than someone than just a "nanny." You can't replace a mother's touch or voice, there's something completely soothing about it.
granted I'm not a mother, only the dreaded step mother...
Jessi! I think you are so brave for posting this and being so open and transparent about your fear. There is NOTHING wrong with these feelings and these thoughts... ESPECIALLY because you're at a place where you can admit that you have them, and that they pretty-much weird you out. :)
I'm not going to say that it'll get better; it'll get different. Every stage of motherhood carries its own blessings and challenges. I STILL look at myself sometimes and wonder who I am and how I got here. The plans that I had for myself are RADICALLY different than the plans that God has laid out before me. Motherhood is a call to sacrifice: you give up your space, your time, your body, and yes, even your smell (between raging hormones and baby spit-up, there's no going back!)...
And Jonathan STILL thinks our boys are time-bombs. Which they are. All kids are. FOREVER. So don't panic. If some jerk is rude to you because your kid is being rotten, chalk it up to their parents not taking them anywhere, EVER, or teaching them COMPASSION. It can be embarrassing when a baby freaks out, or when your toddler screams til he's red in the face and you REALLY just aren't sure why... and then it's over and you're on to the next thing. ;p
But I think you'll be fine, when all's said and done.
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