Focal Points

I am my own worse enemy.

Yep, I'm willing to admit it. I think I'm willing to admit it in an effort to oust myself as just a negative being inside and to give myself a break from all the pressure I add on myself. I constantly attempt to measure myself up to other's and to their expectations and goals.

Why am I 5 years out of college and still not doing what I love?

What IS it that I love?

Is this all there is or should I be fighting harder?

Should it BE this hard?

I'm not sure what some of this questions mean most of the time, let alone what the answers are. I just know that when I question myself and my life path, I stumble and then my inner self critic is there to bring me back down to where I feel like I deserve to be.

If you can't tell, I've got little to no self esteem. It's really bad. I look at myself in the mirror each morning and try to convince myself that this is worth while. This job. This body. These looks. That I'm worth while. But the simple fact that I still need convincing on a daily basis shows that my critic is winning.

I learned today that distraction is key. That i need a focal point to keep my barrings. It's like when a ship is lost at sea and the waves are rocking the boat so hard that they can't see the horizon. The ship looses it's way in the storm because they loose the focal point.

This is my inner struggle on a daily basis.

I am that ship.

But what is my focal point?

I need a hobby.

But I've got hobbies.

What I really NEED is TIME.

My new mission is to try to manage the latter better. I feel like my time goes out the window every single day of the week, to accommodate other people's schedules. I need a way to lasso time and pull it back to me to cup in my hands a secure within my own day, and not someone else's. Perhaps with time, I'll find my focal point and be able to see the horizon again.

Because more often then not...I feel lost at sea.