A look can change everything

You know when you're flipping a light switch and sometimes it gets stuck half way?  I'm not sure if this happens in all houses but it does in mine.  So, for the sake of this metaphor, I'm going to assume that it is normal.  Anyway, sometimes when I go into a room in our house, the light switch will get stuck in a little groove between on and off.  You know that the tiniest little thing can make it flip back off or on.  You know the electricity is sitting there, waiting to be put to work but it can't just yet, thanks to this tiny little groove that the light switch has found.  And so the switch stays there, half way up and half way down, until something moves it one way or the other.

I was that light switch.

Since Owen was born, I have been stuck in the "in between", unable to move up or down.  My previous blog helped me tremendously in getting a lot of the bad feelings I have out and letting them go.  However, it wasn't until last night that I felt the electricity that was waiting to be used.  It took something as simple as a look to change my perspective. 

Up til now, Owen has been very unaware of his surroundings.  He is 7 weeks old now but has just recently been opening his eyes and taking in the things around him.  This has been part of my problem so far, in that, I didn't feel like he had ever really looked at me or could tell me apart from any other woman.  But yesterday, I was giving him a bottle and he stared at me.  I mean really stared.  He wasn't just focused on some random spot on the wall (like when he gets ready to poop) or gazing aimlessly up at the ceiling, he was looking at ME.  The entire time he was drinking his bottle, he stared up at me, eyes wide open, as in to tell me that I was wrong, he DID know and LOVE me apart from any other person.  It made me feeling like there was nothing else in the world, in that moment, then me and him.  I am doing my best to describe it, but it was simply indescribable.  It's like his one look moved me up and sparked something in side of me that was just waiting to be used. 

I know that it's better to be safe then sorry.  So I went to the Dr. today and talked with him about the obstacles I've been facing as a mother.  He put me on medicine for depression for me to take for at least 6 months.  I'm glad I feel like there is a net underneath me now, but it does make me concerned about my weight again.  The last time I was on anti-depressants, it slowed down my metabolism and I became the biggest I had ever been.  But at least I feel like I have a little more control over this hurdle.  It is just going to take some dedication and work to keep that from happening again.  However, if that is my biggest concern now, then I feel like I've moved forward a bit and am in a better place then where I was.

Funny how one look can change everything...