Finding my self in time....

What is it about Monday’s that put me in such a funk?  I know most people would just say it’s a “case of the Mondays.” But it feels so much more than that.  About one Monday out of the month (on average), I find it extremely difficult to focus.  Everything just seems like an endless cycle, not necessarily vicious but very high maintenance.   I can feel the stress tensing up my shoulders like I’m carrying around a loaded backpack.  Sometimes I think my problem is that I think too much at times or perhaps I have too much to think about.  I love keeping my schedule busy because it distracts my thoughts but then I also miss my down time. 

What is down time anymore?  I love my son the most in this world but watching him alone isn’t down time.  That’s a workout.  Nights out with friends isn’t down time, it’s a work at conversation.  Even breaks at work aren’t downtime but a pitiful effort to decompress my thoughts from the massive work load. 

So if none of these equal a break, what is it that I’m actually missing?  Is it peace and quiet or a piece of myself?  All I know is that something’s lost. 

There are too many thoughts in my head to focus on any one thing.  Not problems or concerns, but mere thoughts.  When I was doing yoga, I possessed the ability to clear my mind from the overload, or at least turn down the volume for a while.  But who has time for that anymore? 

I miss time.  Perhaps this is where my disconnect lays.  There is a new book that I’m selling called Catching Time.  It’s about a little girl whose family is too busy to spend time together.  They are constantly telling her that they don’t have time.  So in the spirit of little minds, the little girl goes out and tries to catch time in a net for her family.  I have related pretty strong to this story. My father did this to me and I’m terrified that I’m going to do it to Owen.  I don’t want to be that parent.

In “Time” is where my self has room to breathe and my lack of it feels suffocating. 

Perhaps I should take up Yoga again, take Owen for walks in the afternoon or simply stop committing to things or allowing myself to be volunteered.  I need to find some way to unplug. To disconnect.  To Breathe.  Because right now the weight of all these commitment s are bringing me down with them and I can hardly catch my breath.  I have a feeling that if I can just find time, then I’ll find my self hiding there too.