I still haven't found what I'm looking for
One of my all time favorite things is this oversized tin cup that I got for free at a yard sale back in college. It’s baby blue and has two pink Eskimos touching noses. I got it for free because I pulled a typical Jessi move and tried to pay for a $0.25 item with a $20 bill. They ended up just giving it to me.
What’s so special about this cup? I’m not sure if it’s the large size, the design or the material that I love the most. The fact that it’s tin keeps my milk colder than usual. The fact that it’s oversized makes it easier to dip cookies in. Whatever it is, it’s my favorite.
So I was enjoying my cup of milk with some chocolate last night and it got me thinking….
I believe I am my own worst enemy. I pride myself in my constant search to improve myself as a person but when is enough enough? How long is too long to search and when should I take a break? I constantly read far too much into things and consistently second guess myself to the point where it chips away at my confidence and leaves me with a very low self-image. Perhaps it’s not as complicated as we tend to believe?
I have been under a tremendous amount of stress lately, both personal and professional. It’s not that any one thing has gone “wrong”; it’s just a little bit of a circuit overload. I feel like I’ve got a lot of plates in the air and am waiting for one to drop and break because I am nowhere near talented enough to keep this up for much longer.
Without listing all the things I’m feeling pressure/stress from, let’s just say it’s a lot. However, things have been really good for us lately. We just paid of our credit cards; the carpet is almost paid off as well. I’ve been losing weight. Tim finally found his purpose in life and we are working towards that. I have the greatest baby boy anyone could ever ask for and so much more.
So why do I get this overwhelming sense of sadness?
I know a good majority is the fact that we haven’t seen the sun in some time. I greatly miss my garden and evenings on my patio. But it feels like something else too. I made all these New Year’s resolutions in my constant attempt to grow as a person but that more I develop, the longer these go, the more I don’t feel any closer to whatever it is that I’m looking for, whatever that might be.
So as I was enjoying my oversized tin cup, I was thinking. What if I stopped searching and start enjoying the small things? Focus on the things around me now instead of towards the horizon, in search of something that I might possibly never find?
What is it exactly that I’m searching for? When will I stop searching? In a nutshell, when will I stop and allow myself to enjoy who I am now instead of telling myself that who I am now is not good enough? (This ties into the confidence and self image comments I mentioned earlier)
Will I ever be OK with the person I am now? When will I allow myself to feel good enough?
This is where I really feel the sad feelings coming from. Like there are little school yard bullies in my head, nagging at me, making fun of me and telling me I will never be the person everyone expects from me.
When really, I need to allow myself time to stop and adjust to the simplicity of things like the joy found in this tin cup. Why can’t this just be it? This right now, why can’t I just be happy with that?
So my new endeavor of self discovery is to stop with the self discoveries. No more reading too much into things. This has obvious done quite a bit of damage to me mentally and emotionally.
A good example of this was my birthday this past week. Tim gave me the best thing he could give me, a day with my boys. No one else, no expectations, no obligations, no stress.
This is the way things should be…Just life filled with joy, like that found in something as small, plain and simple as an oversized tin cup from a yard sale.
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