A look can change everything

You know when you're flipping a light switch and sometimes it gets stuck half way?  I'm not sure if this happens in all houses but it does in mine.  So, for the sake of this metaphor, I'm going to assume that it is normal.  Anyway, sometimes when I go into a room in our house, the light switch will get stuck in a little groove between on and off.  You know that the tiniest little thing can make it flip back off or on.  You know the electricity is sitting there, waiting to be put to work but it can't just yet, thanks to this tiny little groove that the light switch has found.  And so the switch stays there, half way up and half way down, until something moves it one way or the other.

I was that light switch.

Since Owen was born, I have been stuck in the "in between", unable to move up or down.  My previous blog helped me tremendously in getting a lot of the bad feelings I have out and letting them go.  However, it wasn't until last night that I felt the electricity that was waiting to be used.  It took something as simple as a look to change my perspective. 

Up til now, Owen has been very unaware of his surroundings.  He is 7 weeks old now but has just recently been opening his eyes and taking in the things around him.  This has been part of my problem so far, in that, I didn't feel like he had ever really looked at me or could tell me apart from any other woman.  But yesterday, I was giving him a bottle and he stared at me.  I mean really stared.  He wasn't just focused on some random spot on the wall (like when he gets ready to poop) or gazing aimlessly up at the ceiling, he was looking at ME.  The entire time he was drinking his bottle, he stared up at me, eyes wide open, as in to tell me that I was wrong, he DID know and LOVE me apart from any other person.  It made me feeling like there was nothing else in the world, in that moment, then me and him.  I am doing my best to describe it, but it was simply indescribable.  It's like his one look moved me up and sparked something in side of me that was just waiting to be used. 

I know that it's better to be safe then sorry.  So I went to the Dr. today and talked with him about the obstacles I've been facing as a mother.  He put me on medicine for depression for me to take for at least 6 months.  I'm glad I feel like there is a net underneath me now, but it does make me concerned about my weight again.  The last time I was on anti-depressants, it slowed down my metabolism and I became the biggest I had ever been.  But at least I feel like I have a little more control over this hurdle.  It is just going to take some dedication and work to keep that from happening again.  However, if that is my biggest concern now, then I feel like I've moved forward a bit and am in a better place then where I was.

Funny how one look can change everything...

Baby Blues

I mainly created this blog as a sort of therapy.  As many of you know, I recently had a baby boy.  My first to be exact.  The entire time I was pregnant, I just knew that I would enjoy my maternity leave.  This has not entirely been the case.  I guess I am more of a corporate girl then a stay home mom.  However, I don't want to go back to work just yet because I know that this is precious time I'm spending with my baby and I'll never get this time back.  Work will always be there.  But I'm finding it increasingly difficult.

My days are spent mostly on the couch, which some might find ideal, but not to me.  I'm scared to go out in public with Owen because I feel like it is walking around with a ticking time bomb in my hands and I'm on borrowed time.  Now, don't get me wrong, he's a wonderful baby with little to no real problems.  The problem is with me.  I'm insecure as a mom and feel I lack the confidence and the know how to handle him in public.  I'm terrified that he will randomly start screaming and I'll suddenly be "That Woman" with the screaming baby.  Now, I know that this is inevitable.  But his screaming puts me in sort of a panic mode and I feel like I'm walking a tight rope without a net.  I guess you could say motherhood, so far, can be summed up, to me, in one word...fear.  Maybe this was instilled upon me through the many baby books I read or my lack of experience with even changing a diaper, which I had never done before.  But no matter what the source was, it is predominately there, loud and clear, screaming at me every time Owen gets fussy or upset. 

Which leads me to a whole separate issue. 

I only really feel bonded with him about half the time.  The other time I just feel like he is just a baby that I'm having to look after.  The only thing that has really made me feel bonded with him was breastfeeding.  But being that that was soo difficult, I now mainly give him formula and he gets about 1-2 bottles of breast milk a day.  I really want to stop all together but I feel like that is the only thing that bonds me to him.  I feel like if I stop that, then I am no different then any other person.  There is nothing special about  me and I definitely don't feel like a mother.  He doesn't need me any more. 

I guess you could chalk this up to that fact that I carried him around and he was attached to me and now we are separate and on our own again.  Where I have been wanting my body back for some time, I'm not equipped emotionally or mentally to sever that tie just yet.  Then I am no better then a "Nanny".  He wont know the difference.  I am hoping that this will get better when he can recognize me and starts talking but I'm terrified that it wont.  This is definitely not the storybook mother-child relationship that you read about in the books.  Now, granted, this is not all the time but it is enough to make me depressed when I start to feel this way.  It's the lack of bonded feeling that also makes me loose my patience with him when he starts to cry.  I find myself wanting to scream back at him or just walk away. I know this is a HORRIBLE way to be and I feel twice as guilty for feeling this way.  But like I mentioned before, these feelings aren't ALL the time.  I do find myself having patience with him a good portion of the time.  But even during those times, I feel the guilt from when I loose my patience.

This whole thing is just a lot more difficult then I expected and I feel like my life is wasting away on this couch, waiting for him to go to sleep, or to wake up or to eat. I smell like formula, spit up and dirty diapers so much that I feel like I have completely lost who I am or have forgotten.  I can't wait for Tim to come home at nights to take Owen off my hands. Or for someone to come over to relieve me.  Then there is added guilt about this to the point where I am finding myself unhappy and slightly depressed for being a "bad mom". 

I feel a lot better for being able to get this all off my chest but it brings on a new set of worries as I read back on what I have written.  Is there something wrong with me or is this just the "baby blues"?