Materialism killed the Christmas star

This year's holiday season has been different for me then in previous years. Usually, I am more then anxious to get the tree up, decorate the house and listen to Christmas music for a solid month. But this year I've had very little motivation. I can't quite put my finger on it but if it weren't for it being Owen's first Christmas, I might not have decorated at all. Is it possible to get Christmas fatigue before the season even begins? If so, I find that deeply disheartening.

The only conclusion that I could come up with was the massive amounts of blatant materialism that is assualting me at every outlet. Amanda, Carl and I were talking about one particular jewelry commercial where they out and out say "I Love you, the more you buy the more you say it". And don't even get me started on all the Target Commercials. Especially the one where the mother wakes her small children up at 12:01 a.m. so they can open their presents and start playing with them because she got "such a good deal". I find those specifically tacky. If you didn't need it to begin with then it's not a good deal even if it is on sale. But that's a side issue. This year, for me, materialism killed Christmas.


I recently read an article in a magazine about a family who challenged themselves to stop buying things for one year. At first, I thought they were crazy, so I just HAD to read the article.

It began with just trying to adjust their budget to stay afloat during the recession but turned into an overall lifestyle change. The more I read the more doable it seemed. Of course they still bought food and necessities. But they stopped buying things they didn’t need and started trying to make do with what they had. They stopped turning to shopping as a form of entertainment or a source of Happiness. When something broke, they didn’t run out a buy a new one, they simply made do without or used the resources they had to fix it. Instead of going to the movies, they stayed in and watched one they already had. Instead of going out to eat, they made dinner….Together. It became so much more then money and budgeting and became more of a bonding experience that brought their whole family together. It also made their kids appreciate things so much more when they received new clothes or shoes. They didn’t HAVE to live this way, it was a CHOICE.

That article got me to thinking. How much money is going out the door that we don’t really realize? How many DVD’s are still sitting on our shelf without ever even being opened? As society becomes more and more obsessed with the latest trends and become more and more disconnected from each other, I find myself being more and more turned off by the whole thing. Now, I love to shop, don't get me wrong. But I usually don't NEED to shop. The time I spend shopping could be used to play with my son, read one of the millions of books already on my shelf or perhaps finish my wedding scrapbook....finally. It's come to the point where some nights I just turn off my cell phone, computer and TV and just spend time by myself or with Owen. And you know what? These nights are the most relaxing and fulfilling.

So, Tim and I talked about all of this, the "things", money and lack of overall Christmas spirit and we decided to attempt to stop spending as well. Now, this sounds a lot worse then it really is. Of course we aren't going to not buy food, needed clothes, etc. We are just going to stop buying things we don't need (no matter how much we WANT them) for one year. We aren't perfect and I already know several things that might appear frivaless that we've already committed too. But once we've wrapped up our committments, we are done (or at least are going to try to be).

For example, we will not be going out for my Birthday in Feb. Instead, Tim is requesting off that day and we are going to be spending a quiet night in. And you know what? I am most excited about that then anything else. We've even already agreed to make our presents for each other for the next year. We aren't doing this for lack of money but by choice as an attempt to change the way we live and to lay a better ground work for teaching our son that it's not all about material things. How can we possibly instill these values in our son if we don't lead by example?

I am not telling you all this because I want to make you feel bad about your decisions or to come across as "preaching" about society as whole. I am simply telling you this as an attempt to share our new endeavor with you and to explain where we are coming from with it. But we also need your help by simply being supportive and understanding. I know not everyone will "get" what we are trying to do. I know that. And I know some people will think we are just being cheap when we decline invitations to go out. But this is a commitment we are ready to do and would appreciate your support in doing so.

And hopefully, by this time next year, I would have recovered my "Christmas Spirit".

Back in the Saddle

So, I started back to work this week.  It was definitely nerve racking but ultimately not as bad as I anticipated. 

While I was gone, the whole department moved to a different area of the building.  I felt bad because I had to leave before packing up my cube, so my co-workers had to do it for me.  It's that kind of stuff that really makes me appreciate the fact that I have such a great job.  However, this meant that upon my return, I was faced with not only a new cube must a massive amount of boxes to unpack. 

It felt overwhelming at first but I was grateful to have something to keep me so busy the first couple of days.  In addition, they threw me a "Welcome Back/Meet Owen" shower on my first day.  This really helped as Tim as able to bring Owen up to work and we also got to have lunch together. Why a baby shower 4 months after the fact?  Well, for those of you who don't know, I was put on bed rest very sudden and unexpectedly FIVE weeks before the due date.  So, the shower they were planning for before I left didn't happen and they were awesome enough to just do one for when I came back instead. 

They had a great Where the Wild Things Are cake, muffins, donuts, fruit.  All sorts of stuff.  And they had WTWTA posters on the walls.  I actually got to bring one home to put up in Owen's room.  I have tons of pictures to come as soon as I find the motivation to pull myself off the couch and find my camera.  Also, they had printed off "Welcome Back" signs and posted them all of my new work space.  It really made me feel at home again. 

So, I dove into unpacking and setting up shop again in my new (massive) cubical.  I surrounded myself pictures to ease the sting of separation and that worked for the first couple of days as long as I stayed busy.  However, yesterday was a little more difficult.  I had unpacked all my boxes and was left with desk work which left me more time to think.  Luckily, my boss is awesome too and sent me home early yesterday to go spend time with Owen.

I know this is going to take time to get use to and so far it hasn't been too bad.  I've managed.  I just know that it'll all get better with time. 

 

My new cube before I unpacked.

My new cube after I unpacked.

The Day the Music Died

So the biggest tragedy ever occurred the other day, the batteries in Owen's swing died!! This left me with a predicament. Was I to try to spend the rest of the day trying to convince him to that the vibrating chair was just as good?  Or do I venture out (alone) to Walmart to get new batteries?

For those of you who know me well, I have a slight phobia of going places alone.  I'm not really sure why this is, it just makes me feel really alone and vulnerable.  With Owen with me, those feelings multiply.  But I knew that he was WAY to smart to take the vibrating chair as a equal substitute.  So, I packed him up and we ran to Walmart.   This was a huge step for me as I rarely leave the house alone with him unless to go to someone's house.  But this should also show the level of desperation I had for those batteries. 

Which brings me to whole other thought...What did people do before vibrating chairs and swings?  I feel like all I do is move him from one strap in, electronic contraption to another.  I feel bad but then the other alternative is holding him all day and I know that's not good either.  It seems like our days are broken down into the amount of attention he'll give to each one.  We have the swing, the vibrating chair, the high chair and the smooth motions glider.  All with their very own seat belt.  These are my salvation during the day and I don't know what I would do without them.  I can't imagine if I had to strap him to my hip and work in the fields. 

I know that this is just par for the course these days but I can't help but think about the panic I felt "the day the music died".  Am I really that clueless as to what to do with him if he's not being entertained by some device?  No wonder people have such short attention spans these days, we are constantly being stimulated from birth.  I'm sure it'll get better with time though. But for now, I've got to run.  The fishies stopped spinning on his swing and I need to hit the reset button.  ;o)

A look can change everything

You know when you're flipping a light switch and sometimes it gets stuck half way?  I'm not sure if this happens in all houses but it does in mine.  So, for the sake of this metaphor, I'm going to assume that it is normal.  Anyway, sometimes when I go into a room in our house, the light switch will get stuck in a little groove between on and off.  You know that the tiniest little thing can make it flip back off or on.  You know the electricity is sitting there, waiting to be put to work but it can't just yet, thanks to this tiny little groove that the light switch has found.  And so the switch stays there, half way up and half way down, until something moves it one way or the other.

I was that light switch.

Since Owen was born, I have been stuck in the "in between", unable to move up or down.  My previous blog helped me tremendously in getting a lot of the bad feelings I have out and letting them go.  However, it wasn't until last night that I felt the electricity that was waiting to be used.  It took something as simple as a look to change my perspective. 

Up til now, Owen has been very unaware of his surroundings.  He is 7 weeks old now but has just recently been opening his eyes and taking in the things around him.  This has been part of my problem so far, in that, I didn't feel like he had ever really looked at me or could tell me apart from any other woman.  But yesterday, I was giving him a bottle and he stared at me.  I mean really stared.  He wasn't just focused on some random spot on the wall (like when he gets ready to poop) or gazing aimlessly up at the ceiling, he was looking at ME.  The entire time he was drinking his bottle, he stared up at me, eyes wide open, as in to tell me that I was wrong, he DID know and LOVE me apart from any other person.  It made me feeling like there was nothing else in the world, in that moment, then me and him.  I am doing my best to describe it, but it was simply indescribable.  It's like his one look moved me up and sparked something in side of me that was just waiting to be used. 

I know that it's better to be safe then sorry.  So I went to the Dr. today and talked with him about the obstacles I've been facing as a mother.  He put me on medicine for depression for me to take for at least 6 months.  I'm glad I feel like there is a net underneath me now, but it does make me concerned about my weight again.  The last time I was on anti-depressants, it slowed down my metabolism and I became the biggest I had ever been.  But at least I feel like I have a little more control over this hurdle.  It is just going to take some dedication and work to keep that from happening again.  However, if that is my biggest concern now, then I feel like I've moved forward a bit and am in a better place then where I was.

Funny how one look can change everything...

Baby Blues

I mainly created this blog as a sort of therapy.  As many of you know, I recently had a baby boy.  My first to be exact.  The entire time I was pregnant, I just knew that I would enjoy my maternity leave.  This has not entirely been the case.  I guess I am more of a corporate girl then a stay home mom.  However, I don't want to go back to work just yet because I know that this is precious time I'm spending with my baby and I'll never get this time back.  Work will always be there.  But I'm finding it increasingly difficult.

My days are spent mostly on the couch, which some might find ideal, but not to me.  I'm scared to go out in public with Owen because I feel like it is walking around with a ticking time bomb in my hands and I'm on borrowed time.  Now, don't get me wrong, he's a wonderful baby with little to no real problems.  The problem is with me.  I'm insecure as a mom and feel I lack the confidence and the know how to handle him in public.  I'm terrified that he will randomly start screaming and I'll suddenly be "That Woman" with the screaming baby.  Now, I know that this is inevitable.  But his screaming puts me in sort of a panic mode and I feel like I'm walking a tight rope without a net.  I guess you could say motherhood, so far, can be summed up, to me, in one word...fear.  Maybe this was instilled upon me through the many baby books I read or my lack of experience with even changing a diaper, which I had never done before.  But no matter what the source was, it is predominately there, loud and clear, screaming at me every time Owen gets fussy or upset. 

Which leads me to a whole separate issue. 

I only really feel bonded with him about half the time.  The other time I just feel like he is just a baby that I'm having to look after.  The only thing that has really made me feel bonded with him was breastfeeding.  But being that that was soo difficult, I now mainly give him formula and he gets about 1-2 bottles of breast milk a day.  I really want to stop all together but I feel like that is the only thing that bonds me to him.  I feel like if I stop that, then I am no different then any other person.  There is nothing special about  me and I definitely don't feel like a mother.  He doesn't need me any more. 

I guess you could chalk this up to that fact that I carried him around and he was attached to me and now we are separate and on our own again.  Where I have been wanting my body back for some time, I'm not equipped emotionally or mentally to sever that tie just yet.  Then I am no better then a "Nanny".  He wont know the difference.  I am hoping that this will get better when he can recognize me and starts talking but I'm terrified that it wont.  This is definitely not the storybook mother-child relationship that you read about in the books.  Now, granted, this is not all the time but it is enough to make me depressed when I start to feel this way.  It's the lack of bonded feeling that also makes me loose my patience with him when he starts to cry.  I find myself wanting to scream back at him or just walk away. I know this is a HORRIBLE way to be and I feel twice as guilty for feeling this way.  But like I mentioned before, these feelings aren't ALL the time.  I do find myself having patience with him a good portion of the time.  But even during those times, I feel the guilt from when I loose my patience.

This whole thing is just a lot more difficult then I expected and I feel like my life is wasting away on this couch, waiting for him to go to sleep, or to wake up or to eat. I smell like formula, spit up and dirty diapers so much that I feel like I have completely lost who I am or have forgotten.  I can't wait for Tim to come home at nights to take Owen off my hands. Or for someone to come over to relieve me.  Then there is added guilt about this to the point where I am finding myself unhappy and slightly depressed for being a "bad mom". 

I feel a lot better for being able to get this all off my chest but it brings on a new set of worries as I read back on what I have written.  Is there something wrong with me or is this just the "baby blues"?