Motherhood

I want to give you everything

But everything I can not give

I can just to the very best I can

Just like my mother did

I want to shield you from the world

And protect you from bad things

But I can not do this forever

For life simply involves pain

What I can do is promise you this

I will love you with all I am

I will comfort you as I am able

And will always hold your hand

I will be here to wipe your tears

And hold you when you're sad

I will stand beside you, guide you

With your equally devoted Dad.

I will laugh when you laugh

Smile with every smile you show

And be there simply for you
More then you will ever know.

This is all I have to offer

This is the best I can do

For you need to keep in mind

I am new at this too.

But we'll find our way together

Hand in tiny hand

I will always be right beside you

for you give purpose to who I am.

 

I still haven't found what I'm looking for

One of my all time favorite things is this oversized tin cup that I got for free at a yard sale back in college. It’s baby blue and has two pink Eskimos touching noses. I got it for free because I pulled a typical Jessi move and tried to pay for a $0.25 item with a $20 bill. They ended up just giving it to me.
What’s so special about this cup? I’m not sure if it’s the large size, the design or the material that I love the most. The fact that it’s tin keeps my milk colder than usual. The fact that it’s oversized makes it easier to dip cookies in. Whatever it is, it’s my favorite.

So I was enjoying my cup of milk with some chocolate last night and it got me thinking….

I believe I am my own worst enemy. I pride myself in my constant search to improve myself as a person but when is enough enough? How long is too long to search and when should I take a break? I constantly read far too much into things and consistently second guess myself to the point where it chips away at my confidence and leaves me with a very low self-image. Perhaps it’s not as complicated as we tend to believe?

I have been under a tremendous amount of stress lately, both personal and professional. It’s not that any one thing has gone “wrong”; it’s just a little bit of a circuit overload. I feel like I’ve got a lot of plates in the air and am waiting for one to drop and break because I am nowhere near talented enough to keep this up for much longer.

Without listing all the things I’m feeling pressure/stress from, let’s just say it’s a lot. However, things have been really good for us lately. We just paid of our credit cards; the carpet is almost paid off as well. I’ve been losing weight. Tim finally found his purpose in life and we are working towards that. I have the greatest baby boy anyone could ever ask for and so much more.

So why do I get this overwhelming sense of sadness?

I know a good majority is the fact that we haven’t seen the sun in some time. I greatly miss my garden and evenings on my patio. But it feels like something else too. I made all these New Year’s resolutions in my constant attempt to grow as a person but that more I develop, the longer these go, the more I don’t feel any closer to whatever it is that I’m looking for, whatever that might be.

So as I was enjoying my oversized tin cup, I was thinking. What if I stopped searching and start enjoying the small things? Focus on the things around me now instead of towards the horizon, in search of something that I might possibly never find?

What is it exactly that I’m searching for? When will I stop searching? In a nutshell, when will I stop and allow myself to enjoy who I am now instead of telling myself that who I am now is not good enough? (This ties into the confidence and self image comments I mentioned earlier)

Will I ever be OK with the person I am now? When will I allow myself to feel good enough?

This is where I really feel the sad feelings coming from. Like there are little school yard bullies in my head, nagging at me, making fun of me and telling me I will never be the person everyone expects from me.

When really, I need to allow myself time to stop and adjust to the simplicity of things like the joy found in this tin cup. Why can’t this just be it? This right now, why can’t I just be happy with that?

So my new endeavor of self discovery is to stop with the self discoveries. No more reading too much into things. This has obvious done quite a bit of damage to me mentally and emotionally.

A good example of this was my birthday this past week. Tim gave me the best thing he could give me, a day with my boys. No one else, no expectations, no obligations, no stress.

This is the way things should be…Just life filled with joy, like that found in something as small, plain and simple as an oversized tin cup from a yard sale.

Top 10 reasons I’m grateful for today

1) I still have a job

2) Owen and I are meeting up with Braxton and Lauren tonight at church

3) I have a wonderful husband who loves me

4) I got 2 book orders yesterday and so I get to spend today just catching up

5) I finally have money in savings again

6) I’ve got one of my favorite lean cuisines waiting for me in the fridge

7) Dinner tonight is Lasagna

8) I’m wearing my “sexy” heels

9) I just got my free Freezer Bag from Sam’s. Free is always good.

10) I’m wearing my size 8 pants a friend gave me in high school.

Little known facts about me.

Why? Because I'm on break at work and bored out of my mind. 

1) I have 2 back tattoos.  One on my lower back that is a celtic trinity sign that somewhat matches Tim's and one on my upper back that says "Love Extravagantly from this day forward."  I plan on getting a third one next year of Owen's foot prints on my hip. 

2) I've met Barbara Walters

3) I'm insanely scared of needles.  I know, weird due to #1, right?  I've gotten a little better since I've had Owen but they use to have to sadate me before drawing blood. 

4) I've had 2 short stories and a poem published in The Tennessean, Daily News Journal and a books of young local writers.

5) Tim and I were finalists to be on The Simple Life.  They came to a bridal fair at MTSU when we were engaged and we signed up.  They did a video interview and we made it to the final 5. We just weren't redneck enough for Paris and Nicole. 

6) I've been playing piano since I was 5.  Haven't played a whole lot lately but my Grandmother was a piano teacher and I've got her piano in my living room.

7) I was born in Memphis but grew up in a small town in Alabama called Montevallo.  My best friend from Kindergarten (Jennifer Ingram) is still one of my best friends today and is Owen's Godmother.

8) I also have a huge fear of spiders and heights.  I am almost paralized when I'm high up and I am constantly scared that spiders are going to crawl on me in my sleep.  (Please do not comment on this last part, it will only make it worse).

9) I grew up a preacher's kid but NO, I tend to thing I didn't act like the typical preacher's kid.  My brother, Nathan, went that route for me.

10) Tim and I are high school sweethearts.  We met Sr. Year when I broke him and his girlfriend up and then snatched him for myself.  We'll be together 10 years this Sept.

11) I also love crafts and love to draw.  My grandfather and uncle were cartoonists but I only really know how to doodle. 

12) I also LOVE photography but am still learning the ins and outs of my camera.

13) I am a middle of the road, liberal, Christian with some conservative views who hates to talk about religion or politics.  I believe debates only lead to trouble and frustrations and stay out of them as much as possible. 

14) I helped  work and manage a Christian bookstore in Murfreesboro for a little over 5 years before I became an assistant publicist in Nashville for a short time and ultimately moved to Ingram Book Company as a sales rep. where I have been for the past 3 years.

15) I am an extremely sensitive person and, believe it or not, am shy when you first meet me.  New things give me anxiety but once I get the hang of things, I'm fine.  I just tend to dwell on stuff I have no control over and really find it difficult to let things go.

16) I went to MTSU and graduated in 2006 with a major in Public Relations and a minor in Marketing and English with a focus on Children's literature.  My dream job would be to run a children's bookstore or to work just with Children's books.

17) I am obsessed with reality shows and Dog the Bounty Hunter in particular.  I've got an autographed poster of him in my cube at work and also have an autographed copy of his biography at home. 

18) I've been on stage during a taping at the Grand Ole Opry.  They have seats for VIPs on stage and one of my company's clients were performing that night when I was a publicist.

19) I once asked Gregg Allman what company he was with when he called in to work once.  Probably one of my stupidist mistakes in life.

20) I interned as Warner Brothers Records in Nashville for the president and also for the head of publicity.  One of the most stressful yet exciting times in my life.  If you've ever seen the movie Devil Wears Prada, that was EXACTLY my life.  They offered me a job afterwards but I said no as I didn't think it was a fit for me at the time.  This is about the time I realized I was chasing the "popular" dream instead of my own.


That's about all I have.  My brain hurts from just coming up with that much.  I figured it had to be a decent number of points as it would look pretty pitiful if I just had 5.  That and my break is over, so I need to get back to work.  Thanks for reading!